So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
