pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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