Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
