I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
