Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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