i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
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drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
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I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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