My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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