I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
