I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
