a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
