Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
