Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
