Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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