I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Randomize
