Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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