I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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