Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
