I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
