Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
