i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
