I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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