its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
