im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize