theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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