DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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