The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
