You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
