Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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