here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
