I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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