Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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