Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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