I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
