Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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