i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
