when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
