I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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