Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend