i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
