he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize