dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
