you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
