just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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