someone threw a dead crab at me
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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