If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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