watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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