Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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