Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
