The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
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