I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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