chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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